February 21, 2012
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Humbled, in a disheartened way.
Today, my growing crusade was finally humbled.
… Not satisfied. …. Humbled.
I’ve been raving to myself on discovering more like-minded spiritual/starseeds. It has been a cavern of confusion being without some physical kinship in this regard.
It is at the base of why people of any certain religion would congregate in a temple; it is the connection between people. … It is community.
I’ve found myself second guessing everything these past months, and I’ve blamed it on my lack of “hivemind”,… so to speak.
I managed to encounter an old friend. His name is John, and he is THE person who was behind my awakening.
Unfortunately, I’ve been far out of touch with him, despite how cool we were with each other. I’m not sure why I separated myself from him. It seemed that he was waking up so fast, and developing so quickly, that somehow, I was envious and somewhat paranoid of him. …. These emotions were unfounded, but I anticipated his abilities and consciousness has grown substantially since I’ve last seen him.
I caught him in a music instruments store, while a different friend and I were looking at equipment. He had changed so much; he had lost tons of weight, was wearing a different hair style; I could barely make out that it was him. He even saw me there, very briefly, but said nothing. I was half convinced it was him, even as he left, as I was bewildered. … I ended up texting him:
“Hey! I think I saw your doppleganger just now at (music store name)”
He confirmed moments later that it was him.
I replied, managing to point out that I was right there, and he say anything, … and that he must have lost tons of weight.
He strangely replied saying that he didn’t even notice me, and I went on to ask how he has been. … No reply.
Oddly enough, I can remember him almost hiding behind equipment, hoping I wouldn’t see him. Not only that, I remembered he didn’t decide to leave until right after he saw me.
… and it was then I came to an odd, but disheartening conclusion… that the person who put me into right mind at a time when I was lost on petty religious nonsense, didn’t want anything to do with me.
I can’t imagine why, but in these weird times, I’m starting to see weird things… dissonant reactions between starseeds.
And so, I felt the cloud of humility wash over me. …
…
Perhaps I am on my own.
Perhaps now, even if I were to find like-mind, I could never relate, because I have been conditioned to understand that such things are miraculously impossible, because such things simply wont manifest no matter how much I pour mental energy into it.
At the same time, I have come to notice how rampantly emotional I’ve been about this subject, and perhaps looking too far into this situation is too distorting. To accept the things the way they are is to be humbled. I am disheartened in a way, because I feel I am somehow giving up a battle, but at the same time, my mind is much clearer.
Maybe I should take a step back and simplify my head.
