November 13, 2009

• Revisitation

  Greetings, Xangans

  Long time no talk,… but thats understandable.
  I simply came by, after a long absence, to indulge you on what I have been doing these past few months.

  I’ve battled much tension and anxiety the past few months, and I’ve grown little by little from each experience. Musically, I am now a loner,… no longer officially tied to any musician… and I currently prefer it to be that way. I feel it’ll give me the opportunity to discover myself, and toy around with different approaches to where I should take my musical knowledge next. On thing is for sure,… I’m not here to carry people through their careers anymore. Just myself. … because that’s the way it should be at this point. I’ve spent my time being ‘someones producer’,… the sound engineer who gains little, and gives too much. I realize now,… I’m a ‘Lion-heart’. I can’t be the ’2nd-hand musician’. … Things need to change. … If only I can remove the filth from my system

  Perhaps I’ll leave this muck someday,… this muck of demotivation and anti-ambition,… and shine bright again.

  …

  College is going pretty well. A tad hectic here and there, but that is understandable. I’ve had the unbearable feeling, however, that I need to dig into something creative. I feel as if I should begin a project of sorts to free myself of all of the negative filth going on in the recesses of my mind (the kind of filth that lingers, despite effort to live positively). I’ve debated finally tapping into my love of writing, and maybe beginning a fiction novel. I’ve always toyed with the fact that the first novels of many authors generally go unnoticed, and I have too many good ideas to spare, so I figure it would be a good idea to take a handful of stories, and do what Clive Barker did: … write a collection of many short stories in one book.

  This means that I would have to travel back and recall some of the older story ideas, while keeping a recent mindset. As I’m now someone who digs into metaphysics as a hobby/passion, I need to make the stories ‘less fantasy’ and more ‘psychological’,… convince the reader that the realities suggested are indeed possible. Another issue of mine, however: overthinking, and not actually acting.

  …

  Spiritually, I am feeling more consciously aware, and my knowledge is greater, but it comes at a price,… in the form of emotionality. For those of you who know me, you know that although I was born and raised Christian, I’ve dove further from the religion and more into pantheism and metaphysics, ultimately open to many beliefs. At some points, I’ve ‘called’ myself pagan, but only out of the idea that my ideas have broadened beyond what might be seen as acceptable to conservative religion, and I only suspect that if I expressed them accordingly, this might be the label I’d be given. … However, I apply much of what I learn in religion classes in college (a theological perspective) to better approach religion not simply as an esoteric preference, but a realm of knowledge. …

  Anyhow, … back to the issue at hand. … My meditative focus has been dominantly on angels (messengers of the divine). If I am going to seek some type of inter-dimensional entity for guidance down a spiritual path, I’d choose angels,… simply because of their beneficial nature. Yet, my meditations have been without much result. I feel such a pull to make some sort of conscious contact in meditation, but it hasn’t been working, and I realize that my perspective has taken a bit of toll. Tough love, or naivety? … Of course, if you, the reader, happen to be anti-New Age, then ‘naivety’ is apparent, but if that was the case… you probably don’t belong in reading this anyhow.

  There are a lot behind the inner workings of my psyche, and I’m confident that a portion of it needs reprogramming, … but… nobody said reprograming was painless, or without a bit of confusion.
  Still …

  …

  But there is a summary of my recent self.
  In between veils…

  Limbo,… if there ever was such a place in reality,… would seem much like how I am feeling now.

  • 4:35 pm
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