July 13, 2010

• I had a strange dream last night…

  … It was like any dream really; a mesh of all things bizarre and random. Yet, somewhere in between the non-sensical storm patterns, my cousin riding around on a crotch rocket, getting attacked by swarms of bees, and a Somali man with a terrible growth on his foot,…something happened.

  In one part of the dream, I was wandering aimlessly around a school. Apparently, it was a place I used to go to school. I noticed I failed to recognize anyone, because I noted that I graduated college, so there was no need to be in a high school in the first place. … I simply gazed around, and noticed how everyone was younger than me, and nobody I recognized was around. I didn’t feel like I belonged here. I didn’t feel I had the capability to socialize with any of these people, moreso the girls. … I tend to know how I get when I see girls in my dreams.

  Anyhow, I wander away from the cafeteria and into the locker area. … Something about this place strikes a chord with me, and before I know it, there is a terrible pressure at my heart. It grows heavy, as deep emotion begins to channel through me. Yet, as I am standing there, I gaze around and recognize no one. I feel the desire to fall to the ground, curl up in a ball, and simply bawl out in sadness,… but I don’t. I remain standing. I refuse to show my sadness to anyone around me. I refused to express what my true emotions were. … As time drifted on, my internal sadness transpired into a desire to sing… to sing out or express myself musically in order to express the sadness in some creative facet. Yet, once again, as I am standing there, amongst a room filled with teenagers and young adults, I refuse all at once to sing aloud. I deny the desire to express myself in the presence of those I didn’t know, as if I somehow didn’t believe my emotions mattered in the end,… that no one really cares how I feel,… and therefore, I should not express myself, or explain myself, to anyone. I stood there, with a hole in my heart, evoked by some odd sudden compulsion, and I had decided that it was better for the emotions to burn a larger hole in my heart than to allow anyone to know about it. It was no one elses concern,… no reason for me to show weakness,… no one else deserved to be struck by my own negativity/ to carry my burdens,…. no one else wanted to deal with it,… nobody else wanted to divert themselves from their own pain and suffering,… and honestly,… thats all any and everybody was in this world of mine: … just a bunch of immature, overgrown fucking teenagers. …

  I am lying here, a half hour after my waking, and still my chest feels exhausted.
  Not recently has a dream invoked so much actual emotion. And even in my dream, I refused to confess to it.

  I have long wanted to express my emotions, and paint a picture of who I am to others.
  Yet somehow, despite locking myself away,… this dream does it perfectly.
  This expresses what is at the core of most of my problems. … Why I can’t express myself.

  I seem to carry this philosophy around with me wherever I go. Everybody for themselves, and are better off not knowing I exist at an emotional level.

  I feel I perform a service to people this way.

  -.-;

  • 10:41 am
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