February 14, 2010
-
Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World
Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World!
The Onion | December 15, 2009 | Issue 45•51
Lord God, Creator of All, caught thousands of Sumerian farmers and mathematicians somewhat off guard.
Members of the earth’s earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.
According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.
“I do not understand,” reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. “A booming voice is saying, ‘Let there be light,’ but there is already light. It is saying, ‘Let the earth bring forth grass,’ but I am already standing on grass.”
“Everything is here already,” the pictograph continues. “We do not need more stars.”
Historians believe that, immediately following the biblical event, Sumerian witnesses returned to the city of Eridu, a bustling metropolis built 1,500 years before God called for the appearance of dry land, to discuss the new development. According to records, Sumerian farmers, priests, and civic administrators were not only befuddled, but also took issue with the face of God moving across the water, saying that He scared away those who were traveling to Mesopotamia to participate in their vast and intricate trade system.
Moreover, the Sumerians were taken aback by the creation of the same animals and herb-yielding seeds that they had been domesticating and cultivating for hundreds of generations.
“The Sumerian people must have found God’s making of heaven and earth in the middle of their well-established society to be more of an annoyance than anything else,” said Paul Helund, ancient history professor at Cornell University. “If what the pictographs indicate are true, His loud voice interrupted their ancient prayer rituals for an entire week.”
According to the cuneiform tablets, Sumerians found God’s most puzzling act to be the creation from dust of the first two human beings.
“These two people made in his image do not know how to communicate, lack skills in both mathematics and farming, and have the intellectual capacity of an infant,” one Sumerian philosopher wrote. “They must be the creation of a complete idiot.”
———-
(Lulz! I remember reading this months ago. Milk gushed from my mouth mid-laughter. … Despite how open I am as far as religious beliefs are concerned, Creationism is just a stupid idea,… not just from a scientific standpoint, but a historical standpoint. The notion that the earth was created 6000-4000 B.C. doesn’t speak on a historical level at all. Aside from that, even theology (Christian theology!) negates this idea, given that the creation story is comprised of two separate creation stories (the Yahwist, and the Preistly). One begins with Earth rising from water, the other begins in a vast desert without life. Both show opposing notions of one another, and both of them were discovered separate of one another (thus, are not progressive). On top of that, the story of Adam and Eve is based directly off of the Sumerian creation story,… so little do the (religious) followers of Christ know that the creation story is of pagan origin.)
Comments (3)
I loved this! Creationism is pretty silly, but the people who believe in it sure take it seriously. I don’t understand how they can, given all the evidence to the contrary, but they do. It’s amazing how much Paganism is in Christianity, yet most Christians refuse to see that as well. It’s kind of like they choose to live with blinders on. I just don’t get it.
@ADarkMuse - I agree with your statement about the amount of Paganism in Christianity, and so many people like to exclude the petty details about their origins. Some are simply brought up into closed minded worlds, some are not educated, and others voluntarily choose not to listen to logic. What I feel is a huge problem is this ‘idolatry’ over the Bible, to the point where people will ‘worship the Bible’ as an icon, and then turn about and ‘say’ that they are worshipers of God,… which in itself (the worshiping of an idol)… is Paganism in its most native form. …
… Personally, I think Truth is greater than Fiction.
I loled Thoroughly! mostly because when ever i find my self face to face with some fanatic I alwas felt like one of those Sumerians in that story. also Onion news FTW!