I close my eyes,… and therein… I enter a world of subjectivity, both solemn and turbulent.

My mind broods each concept of thought and ideal, as if it were its primary function to analyze and perceive from many dimensions. … While I feel this trait has steered me into becoming an intelligible being, I have heard so much more vice than virtue concerning this aspect of me. Some say that I misinterpret my own logic. Some say that I blow things out of proportion. Some say that I ‘over think’ certain concepts, and that all my deep contemplation invokes is nothing but unrest within my own soul,… as if my mind was merely a powerhouse of delusion, and that, in fact, I am in no way intelligible or wise. I am like the sands which my feet tread, the brick of red stone which my eyes see every time I gaze out of my college dorm window upon the opposing building resting opposite of mine.

Yet, as of late, there seems to be one thought… one ideal I have begun to come to terms with, spoken through my own spiritual and emotional unrest.

I have come across many people; great and small, short and tall, fool and wise, naughty and nice, some behold virtue, others haunted by vice. In these people, I acknowledge faintly. At some level, sociality has never been a thoroughly adopted habit. Alienation is the place where I found myself often in childhood, and something about it is comforting every so often. Yet, something is also haunting. I have broken down and cried, lost sanity, and let fears and worries filter from me as the warmth of bathroom waters cleanse my body of the emergent tides of negative emotional energy, which rise and fall, wane and wax. I am haunted by the thought of being alone,… not simply out of desire of comfort, but in desire for interaction,… for shaping of the self, for stimulation of mind and tongue, for self-presentation, for shared laughter,… and at the deepest level,… I feel the desire to find those of like mind. Not simply of like mind, but of higher mind: those who radiate,… not simply in positive measure, but in experience. In both knowing, and in seeing. … Deep down, I wish to see the deepest level of the human soul, strip away the superficial layers of the human personality, and peer into the emotional, and spiritual core of every being,… individually and simultaneously.

In the most unrealistic sense, it is as if I have seen/felt what enlightenment truly is,… and I am tormented by its absence, due to the human condition, and due to my own follies as a human being. But realistically, I just wish to find a bond or few; I wish to belong, in person, to a family of closely reliable friends, of whom share my enthusiasm and interest in the unknown, and of whom I can relay my thoughts, hopes, and dreams off of (dislocated from the so-called ‘friends’ of years past). Those of whom I do not deserve the friendship of,… but nevertheless, do have.

This is reflected off of the fact that,… throughout my childhood, there were very little who knew me, understood the various battles and ambitions of me, or cared to know me. At such an age, the friends one makes due with stretch their egos over their own head and stop short of knowing what ‘understanding; truly means. My only friends were those who were equally brewing with brooding negativity, yet nowhere near my frequency range of communication. These friends grew up to become oppressive, needy, and close-minded,… and with them, what resonance I once felt now turned to dissonance, and it may be sad to say, but I honestly would not care to ever see them again. Their faces will no doubtingly show up once again in the future, but when that day comes, I won’t quite know what to do. … but that’s a different story.

… The truth that I am trying to recite,… the ‘ideal’ that I have been trying to articulate, is that… I have come to realize, in full, that my spiritual journey is a lonely one. That phrase has always been recited, and I have acknowledged it before, but it seems to have settled in… in full now. … Alienation is an eventual truth. … I have been, lately, striving so hard, mind so bent on contacting my spirit guides and guardian angel that it hurts. It is because, I am somehow convinced that perhaps such beings are the best example for the ‘deepest level’ of connection. However, my visions of them continue to skew. I continue to hear opposing views,… dominantly that spirits are not defined in human terms. Therefore, it is so hard… so hard for me to relate my own hopes, emotions, and dream to those who ‘do not have such thing’. All I understand of them is ‘gesture’, not ‘acknowledgement’, and somewhere, I feel acknowledging, in intellect, is just as important and emitting gesture of admiration. … I have crumbled so much over this inner battle,… not laid in patience, but in torn ideals,… a hard to accept proposition.

For example, while I understand that all things material are merely illusion, … it has been one of my lifelong goals to become an accomplished novelist of supernatural fiction, and fantasy fiction. … The art of storytelling. Storytelling is the utmost creation of a materialistic realm, where many ideas AND gestures can be expressed. I feel it is something I should accomplish in life. However, if I were walk into complete spirituality, and set aside things material, then I would be setting aside a vast part of my being…. my very identity. If the goal is to get RID of this idenity, then why fucking have it at all in the first palce? Why give me the art of writing, or the art of music, invest me in it in the deepest sense, and then suggest that it is just a plaything; an element to an inferior game, unfavored to what reality is REALLY about. Why be given a talent that only furthers the illusion around me, when the illusion is the ‘enemy’?

No…. I have very little understanding for the nature of the spiritual world, and those within, because I have been gifted with ‘illusion enablers’; talents that further the illusion, and that I have been tricked to take pride in. And I do,… Oh so much do I! … Art, to me, is next to God-hood! Why create a thing of beauty, and then deface it? Are thoughts of ‘beauty’ a sign of material investment? Why not! … Yet, while it is all material, I almost cringe every time I hear a reference that defaces material existence, and degenerates it. … I say that the experiences of this ‘game’ are to be about as cherished as the next ‘game’.

…
While painting my thoughts have done help in me putting perspective on my own clusterfuck, pattern and habit would tell me that, when it is all said and done,… when I fall asleep tonight, and wake up again in the morning, and all I have typed here is long forgotten,… everything will return to the same lackluster, inner battle, skyward wonder, haunting sense of alienation that I had felt once beginning this little 5000 page commentary of mine.

At least my thoughts are out in the open.

- Bush
 - Cheney
  – Terrorism
   – Iraq War
    – Gas Prices
     – Katrina
      – Recession
       – Global anxiety
        – Culture wars
         – Genocide
          – Mid-east tensions
           – West vs. Radical Islam
          – Russia invading Georgia
         – Countless security scares/paranoia
        – Housing bubble
       – The Patriot Act <– (Big Brother has actually arrived!)
      – Bush vs. Gore election
     – Virginia Tech (in addition to school shootings in general)
    – foreign occupation, and the resulting hatred
   – the invention of ‘trolling’
  – the death of Hip-hop
 - the death of Nu-metal/Rap-Rock
- the birth of Emo
 - the death of Micheal Jackson
  – the last years of Micheal Jackson
   – Balloon Boy
    – Bird Flu/Swine Flu
     – RIAA and Anti-piracy
      – … in addition TO internet piracy
       – 35W bridge collapse (local catastrophe)
        – death of a well-respected pope
         – Bernie Madoff
          – Bankruptcy and bailouts
           – that nonsense with North Korea
            – that nonsense with Iran (its president, anyhow)
             – Greed, neglect, self-interest, deferral of responsibility in almost every aspect of our culture
              – The official end of the American Century

January 1st, 2010:
 … The full moon beckons the end of a terrible decade in our nations history,
but are we free from the terrible curse of the 2000′s?

Quite certainly, the turbulent end to a decade from Hell!
… As for the upcoming decade, ‘the Teens‘, … keep your fingers crossed, because while things won’t certainly be the same as the last ten years, we still have enough spillover to deal with yet! … Just keep positive.

So… I’ve recently gotten into the habit of writing my dreams in a journal once again, in attempt to increase my ‘Dream Recall’.

… that is, my ability to remember dreams after waking.

Incidentally, keeping a dream journal can help in another way, by increasing the chance of Lucid Dreaming (which is the ability of being ‘aware’ in your dreams).

Since I’ve recently come across an interesting forum/website based on dreams and developing these abilities (http://www.dreamviews.com), it has occured to me that… perhaps I should start a Dream Blog! =D

…

It would function as a blog much like this one, except its content would be only Dream Journal entries, along with commentary (what I did before going to bed, what I felt in the dream, what I sense the dream means, etc.). Of course, the joy of having a blog for this is that others would be able to comment accordingly. … It would be a different realm of blogging entirely.

…

just thought I’d share my thoughts.
Fill in the blank space of nothingness.

=)
You might remember that I posted recently about Flatland, a book/story by Edwin A. Abbott about a 2-dimensional universe. This universe is comprised of flat shapes (squares, triangles, circles, etc.) going about their daily lives. One day, a lone square is encountered by a sphere, who attempts to convince him that there is a 3RD DIMENSION! Of course, Mr. Square struggles to believe the metaphysical applications of a 3rd dimension, pleading that it was heresy to speak about such a thing. The Sphere decides to ‘project’ him into the 3rd dimension, thusly changing Mr. Squares perspective on existence forever.

(the 0th and 1st dimensions are also visited)
…

What makes this story so unique is that we, ourselves, can apply it to our own perception of dimension (3D) to what it may be like in a possible 4th Dimension (not space-time.)
Anyways, I found this video about a movie that was made based on the book, and I’d like to share it with you! =)

Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions
based on the book by Edwin A. Abbott

Once again… I bring you!
The Revenge of the Inkblots!!

Your mission:
1) View each of the Inkblots posted below, one by one.
2) Remember the very first thought, first image that you encounter,a long with your interpretation on what the inkblot ‘looks-like’
3) Write each of your responses in a comment below this post

ENJOY! =)


…

1)

3)

If I told you that the Earth was hollow, would you believe me?

… perhaps a better question.

Would you believe that some people actually believe the Earth is hollow, and that there is an entire ocean and an entire continent on the under side of the earths crust?



Would you believe if I said that the entire ‘underside’ is inhabited by giants?
… that there is an advanced civilization right beneath our feet?



Would you believe if I told you that there were ways to enter this world? Gigantic holes at the poles of our planet?
… that there is an ancient world conspiracy to conceal this from mortal human beings?





Ridiculous, isn’t it?

…or not?

*strokes chin cleverly*

XD XD XD XD XD

…

A very interesting concept. It would be a complete mindfuck if it were ACTUALLY true!

*shocks!!*

…

I’ve implemented somewhat of a ‘rebirth’ to my Xanga, all in the hope of bringing this vessel of expression and communication back to a state of vibrance and reception.

Although the community that IS Xanga has, for the most part, degenerated since the days I began this weblog, instead of concerning myself with newer places, I decided that this blog still has too much potential to simply leave to the ravens. Therefore, I am going to put forth a new mindset in my posting, and hopefully it will attract more open minds.

For those of you open minds who have kept with me here, I thank you. XD

…

Recent times have been stressful on the mind, concerning changes in my way of life. I no longer feel the want to linger in my ‘post-teenage’ mindset. Changes are a must! … I need to begin thinking about myself creatively and professionally, and not allow the influence of the self-indulged to place me as their workhorse. I’ve been producing hip-hop for a long time now, and I will say with no second thought that I have very little to show for it other than the progress of those I have helped, and the experience gained. In a way, I am not ungrateful, knowing how far my friends have made it with my help, but as I’ve stressed to them in times past, I’m not apt to do this forever, especially not for free. …  … a slice into my current life. I am not perfect

To make up for my own hiatus, I’ve turned my efforts to my other great passion aside from music,… writing. I’ve begun to finally put thoughts down to paper in the effort to kick-start my dream of writing fiction novels. I’ve had this interesting mesh of ideas flowing, and one of the greater story ideas I have conjured from inspiration from times past, that I originally thought I would save for later, is in the process of manifesting on paper. … This book will be a creative experience as it will be a spiritual one. How you ask? … The central theme of this book surrounds the phenomena/art of ‘Dream Walking‘.

You see, about 5 years ago, in the early life of this blog, I came across many intriguing people. Two of them, who I did not converse much with, I found a world of fascination, to be quite honest. These two were about my own age, and both were deeply embedded in the supernatural. More specifically, they were (self-titled) ‘dream walkers’. I had a very childish wonder with them, as they spoke about their many experiences,… some of them having to do with helping others through their spiritual struggles, or battling demons and dark beings,… that seemed much to outrageous to be made up. At one point, my fascination became evident to them, despite I was not very sharp in those days, and one of the two invited me to see another blog of theirs, … a more personal one. Of course, I am aware that, especially in the realm of imaginative teenagers, that the creative mind is more than capable of inventing the illusion of such things, but I was clearly sold back in those times, and their existence inspired something pretty epic in my own creative mindset. Now, I debate their authenticity, but while I do, I take away the emotions of that time, and now I’m making it a priority to revisit them, by composing a fiction story based loosely on these two, and the art of dream-walking in general.

I know for sure that I will eventually reach a stumbling block, given that I insist on experiencing certain phenomena before even THINKING about writing about them in any accurate sense. I refuse to ‘wing’ ideas, or ‘speculate’ how it ‘could’ be. It is both unrealisitic, and insulting to the definite nature of metaphysics/supernaturality. How I expect to get over that hill will be beyond me, but I will deal with that climb once I get there.

There is a lot more to talk about concerning writing, but I’m going to move the subject along.

I’ve dug into a new book (reading-wise). … Secret Teachings of All Ages. … Strangely enough, I saw the book referenced on Craigslist (a wiccan was selling a few books), so as usual, I Google’d it, and instead of finding a description of the book, I found a website that contains, for public view, the ENTIRE BOOK, chapter by chapter. I still have not breached the Introduction (very lengthy), but it has spoken to me continuously. … I’ve wondered if this book is some sort of prerequisite for a specific belief system, but in a way, I don’t care. It has A LOT of info about the bare-essentials behind EVERY facet of Western philosophy, from the Greeks, to the Catholics, to the Germans, to the birthing of Science in its widely-accepted form. Furthermore, it promises to indulge into the core of Hermetic teachings, the teachings of many pagan cultures, and into monotheism. … It makes me feel like I am accomplishing a lot in reading this book. XD

Anyhow, that is where I am currently at.
… A lot to take in. Feel free to comment on any one thing, if you don’t feel like reading it all.

=)

To make

Great video explaining the nature of a 2D universe (Flatland), visited by a 3D being.

Just imagine what it would be like for a 3D universe to be visited by a 4D being. (hard to comprehend!)

Stranded upon the corporeal island of First Earth.
A slice of 4th dimensional reality. My own ana/kata.
I spend this night like any night; before the vast digital libraries called the internet.

Each night, I’m suspended with the curse of subjective reflection. I see myself upon the underside of the Earth, in perfect mirror image of mundane origin. The stars in both the mirror and the reality speak and say, “You are deserving. You are like us”, and yet, below the soles of my shoes remain composite dirt and stone.

In the kata, I imagine an alternate reality. I see a world built of many corporeal and incorporeal islands. I see intermingling. Esoteric stimuli. Metaphysical trickery, and paranormal intrigue.

In the ana, I dwell outside the imagery. I feel a thirst for things I cannot entertain. I feel the heightening of frequency, yet emptiness in space. Fretting of worry. The messenger is hard to see. Hard to hear. Impossible to know.

I wonder why. Why is the only question we ask. Why glorifies and haunts. To be self-conscious of consciousness is a subconscious fallacy for the unconscious who only wish to be conscious, but can’t consciously grasp consciousness (attempt at redundant philosophy).

Whatever planes of existence remain beyond the First Earth are incomprehensible to the nature of the ana, but perfectly sought, heard, and felt in the kata.

As for myself, I feel a glimpse of confusion.
Lack of direction.
Blinded foresight.
Deaf clair-audience.

How does one focus on the power of the kata, while existing on the ana?

…

=/

(NOTE: for those who do not know what ana/kata is, it is the 4th dimension, whereas the first three are comprised of north/south, east/west, up/down. It is an expression used as a translation for any problem that needs solving. In this example, the ana/kata represent the mystical. The supernatural. The spiritual.)