February 4, 2012
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Fear of a mediocre life.
This week has made me strung out.
It has mostly been bound together by fear of falling short on money. Its funny how easily I worry at times, but sometimes it takes a moment of awakening to realize how pointless the week was. … I had a moment of action a week ago, as I set out to seek more gigs for web-design and music projects, but of course, I have it somewhere in my complex that the world is too cruel and callous to benefit me for my efforts. Reward for what I’ve accomplished has been something I’ve lost sight of in past years, but I figure, why the hell not. …
This week has been the first in a long time that I’ve silenced myself, and outright asked my guidance to assist me.
Guidance has answered me twice!
Once in removing fears and replacing them with confidence.
Second in facilitating a recovery from stress, by use of a common event we all enjoy,… payday (also surprising me with $100 more than i thought I was getting), and spending that money on consumables, thus easing the tension of my well being. On top of that, I’ve successfully acquired the ability to gain a few more hours at my job, and hopefully another web design gig provided through a friend of mine.
WHEW….!
… So the power of asking for guidance has not gone without remedy! Good job, me! ^_^
And special thanks to Sundance, Jezebel, Alexis, and Brendan (names of my guides, as I am consciously aware)
…
Perhaps my greatest realization during this bout of mental strain was in the form of an exhausting and equally stressful dream; something that has occurred to me as being true for the longest time, and has existed at the very core of my thought process since birth…. I have an unnatural fear of living a normal life. … A life that is considered non-adventurous, non-productive, and non-unique. This is a deeply injected protocol that is often put at odds with my fear of other things (such as fear of making a ‘wrong decision’). … It is the reason my imaginative abilities are what they’ve become; why my life is centered in art and music; why much of my music is turbulent, often suspenseful and scheming… in a cinematic way, why I refuse to get a job at a desk or working for an industry I don’t believe in, why I love traveling, meeting new people, discovering unique relationships, making others laugh, enjoying new and memorable experiences, engage in alternative philosophy that has created my spiritual/psychological identity to this day, etc.
And I supposed many people have this protocol. Some don’t seem to,… forseeably. Yet, a good number do. … Perhaps my mind is more insistent on it. Instead of living for the weekend and ‘getting by’ on the weekdays, I’d rather have a career, and a life that is engaging, challenging, but inspiring. Something that is ultimately meaningful to my development and the aesthetic pleasure or well-being of other people.
That self-inflicted panderfaust put aside…
A good portion of that has a spiritual twist to it, mostly about establishing unique relationships with others, on a spiritual level. I see it as one of my better motivations. … However, I’m at the dolrums, it seems. Perhaps tomorrow, if I have time, I’ll chill around the local Magus Books and Herbs store. … 98 times out of 100, there is nobody there open or interesting enough to chat with, but like I am wont to do, I go there anyways. … Until I come up with a better idea, that is.
Meh.
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