January 27, 2012
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Another Brooding Rant
Why is my psyche function in the form of intricate plot devices?
… The high standards of a compelling storyline cause me to discourage my utterly commonwealth of a life.
Not that my life is all that bad. … My mind simply functions this way.
It is how it is programmed;
Brainwashed; from story to story; protagonist to antagonist; beginning to end.
And neither can I satisfy it.
My mind is too busy with idle distraction, sedation, and petty recreation.
Where is the total immersion I seek? The driving motivation? The unstoppable passion?
Its buried under layers of fears, contempt, and lower-mind.
Its a raging beast locked within a steel cage.
Tormented.
… Then again, even my scattered mind knows that I’ve done posts and blog entries like these, over and over, each time I feel mentally cornered ,… emotionally and spiritually unquenched. We see how they begin, but I know how it ends. …
Empty corridors. Unspoken comments. An audience of ghostly visitors. … and hell … why not have them be blind and deaf ghostly visitors?
… with funny yellow hats!
The nights I’ve spent, sitting in my silence, gazing into myself,… looking into the self for answers to the endless riddle. Like a knot, pulled to its tightest, me trying to loosen the bind enough to deknot. Yet, I’d be egoic and arrogant if I were to think I was the only person found in this state. Everyone comes to some conclusion on what lies beyond the knot, … and its all just enough to help them sleep at night. Some also find content in insisting the knot is the only truth.
In the end, reasoning with the logical mind only pulls the hairs of the rope; tearing at it.
Or… is it,… fantasizing with the creative mind only disproportions the knot?
What does a quarrel between the minds accomplish?
Only… in the right conditions, can the two come to peace.
Speaking of which, the time is growing late.
I’ll have to continue this rant later.. =/
Comments (6)
At first, it sounded like you were confronting your shadow self, having higher wants but forced into the lower ones. To fix that would simply be a matter of training the will.
But it sounds much deeper. If you are uncertain of your truth, the confidence to act is shattered and the will is not trainable because the mind won’t allow it.
You can search for truth outside of yourself: through learning more, reading more books, talking to more people. Or by connecting with the truth of the earth- the sunshine on your face, a cool breeze that heightens your senses, resting against a tree, watching wildlife, or admiring icicles, oceans, or bonfires.
Or you can search for truth inside: journey. Meet your patron deity, spirit guide, or ancestor. Remember who you are, or why you are here through a symbol or image or sound. Keep a dream journal.
Though I’m not sure what exactly is going through your mind, I can say that my interpretation of this leads me to believe that I’ve felt similarly. And it sucks. And the longer the rut lasts, the harder it is to crawl out of.
Despite everything, try hope. Even if it’s just a little. A tiny bit of optimism that truth is within reach.
I don’t know if it will work for you, but for me, when I had hope and knew that I was competent enough to find truth, it was with that tiny candle that I saw all of the unlit candles of truth around me, revealed one by one. And that knowledge and trust in myself made the idea of training my will so that I am not shackled… Well, not easy, but it went from impossible to possible.
Good luck, and may you capture and be filled with truth like the hunter is fulfilled by the meal of the stag!
-Ishtar
@LadyIshtar - Yes,… you would be correct in saying that the problem is deeper than simply a shadow self and a higher self.fighting each other, but it has somewhat to do with that. To be honest, it is hard to say what was going on through my head when I wrote this, but I can tell you that this rut happens every now and then. It is the same rut based upon the gap between where I fantasize to be, and where I am.
To explain better, my mind works very much like a book or a complex story, whereas I am the enigmatic main character. This concept is born from my lost love of writing, my intense appreciation for a compelling storyline, and my self-discovery as… well… whatever I am supposed to be exactly. … Well, … I amknow what I am supposed to be, but the reinforcement of it is rarely present. Reinforcement in regards to community, environment, activity, spiritual discipline. … If you could imagine all of the esoteric and spiritual things that you are mentally aware of, and that you mentally know what you are and who you are and why you are here,… but feel no chill in the air, no outstanding indications, no real connection to your spirits, to the other side, or your guidance; just empty knowledge. With no support, a building has little chance against the toils of atrophy..
Physically, I am around friends that I feel good handing out with, and they give me joy. I’m enjoying youthful experiences, whilst trying to discover my path in this world, economically, psychicly, emotionally. Yet, my surroundings are knee deep in lower-minded activities, and there is none here that I connect with on a spiritual identity. … I don’t do covens, because I am not Wiccan, despite that I notice those who are most active spiritually in that direction.
There are layers of things that this type of rut is built on;… some of it as a fantasized plotlines I feel sold on, that I should be living: (I.E. working with energy and psychicly tuned, with a group of spiritual friends of different backgrounds, somehow found in the middle of a battle between light and darkness; that and other strange ideas you only find in movies). … These ideas, and many others, run so strongly in my blood, and while I know it is the mark of a vast imagination, a yearning right-mind, and a purely honest desire to be useful,… on the other end, talking about them makes me feel ill, because I feel like other people simply don’t understand. It is simply how my mind works. … Odd thing is, I can put these ideas into writing, and create stories upon stories, but I have neither the time, or the discipline to sit down and do it, ……. not to mention the fifty million other creative things I want to accomplish before death. Which of these things should I live, which should I create as art, and which should I leave alone?
…. So yes,… it is much deeper than a basic darker self versus lighter self conflict. It is an identity conflict, and a purpose conflict. The oddest part of it is that, these things may seem separate in nature, but in fact, they are tied into one another. … And as you can tell from my counter-rant halfway through my post,… it is not as if people ever listen and acknowledge the problem. They find it all too messy, and just avoid it altogether; avoid me altogether. But hey,…. its not as if someone else has a worthwhile solution. I’m used to the silence by now.
I’ve given you a worthwhile solution. Seek truth and be optimistic that you can find it. TRY. Don’t use the scapegoat that you are unsupported because that is both false and lazy. ner truth is self-perpetuating, it does not rely on the acceptance of your peers. It only requires that you search for it, and continue to learn, and live your truth as often as you can. And why close yourself off to an entire group of potentially like-minded individuals who may have some wisdom to share, especially when you are so uncertain of everything?
Stop writing yourself as a tragic hero if you don’t want the universe to treat you like one. Ruts happen but if this is a regular state of being for you, maybe you should examine who is the cause.
Sorry if that was too tough-love. It comes from a good place.
-Ishtar
@LadyIshtar - You are absolutely right. Thank you for being tough.
You DID give me a worthwhile solution, and I did not see it, or allow it to sink in. Perhaps I am not honest enough with myself. … And on the note of discovering like-minded people, you are also right. I should not simply segregate myself because I have specific or differing spiritual/metaphysical views.
@Pyronide - I hope you can return the tough love one day and I can accept it as gracefully! I just want you to have the optimism that you deserve to have, without letting any self-defeating attitudes getting in the way.
Good luck
interesting…