So, I’m here typing this from the Hampton hotel in Bossier City, Louisiana. … apparently.

I’m here on a college choir trip, which has already gone through Minnesota, North Dakota, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Texas. Tomorrow, we will be riding up to Missouri, and the day after, we might just hit Chicago (I think. I know we perform at a place nearby). Thus far it has been a blast. Just got back from Bilbo Baggins Pub, drinking green beer and celebrating St. Pattys Day right. It got a little boring unfortunately. This has recently prompted me to think on the idea that perhaps I should get into the ‘bar-scene’ more often. … It sounds both like a great, yet horrible idea.

I’ve actually come to enjoy this place, but thing is that its not even summer yet. I probably couldn’t stand the place during the summer. As a born and bred red head, I would probably burn up like an ant under a magnifying glass.

…

It feels as if life has been getting a bit more and more confusing. I remember in the days of raging teenage hormones, and tides of emotion and passion, when getting into a ‘subjective mindset’ would bring on a certain dark, suffering, yet inner euphoria. Nowadays, I’m losing my ability to be subjective,… or… that is, whenever I do, there is a unified feeling of either inadequacy, or longing for something, and although times have been like that, I feel that my priorities are becoming less and less hopeful, and more depressing. My mind always wanders into tangents that I can never manifest into reality,… as reality is just not that simple. I feel alone. …

On a side note, I’m thinking now that the whole bar-scene thing would be a bad idea, considering that my father died of liver damage after growing into alcoholism after he quit his job as a St. Paul police officer. Its sad to think that, for the badass he was, he went out a very pitiful way. Its depressing, really. … I never want to follow that path, because I feel I know why he went out such a way, and thats because his superiors were keeping him from doing the thing that he loved, and he sunk into a pit of inadequacy. I know that if I were to ‘really’ take on drinking, I might end up down the same road. … So really,… I say ‘fuck that’.

I have seen the lack of metaphysical phenomena, other than 11:11, which has appeared frequently as of recent, but is growing less and less significant to me now. I’m never sure what it means to me, bu to spent a few seconds thinking, “I must be travelling on an upward path”. Now, I’ve been feeling a bit more emotional with my confusion about life, and many of the unnatural things that I null over. It frustrates needlessly, and it creates emotions that seem detrimental. I feel like I never seem to belong anywhere. Perhaps I need a few new friends to fill a gap? Perhaps I need to take on a new practice? Or, if we want to just throw the human/capitolist factor, perhaps I just need to buy clothes, build on my self-image, or get laid. *shrug* Oh America, Your formula for popular citizenship is so simple and material, but also rewarding… in an attractive, but ultimately useless way. I wish I could be a knucklehead who goes to every bar to pickup chicks, and clobbers people in the face like a drunken douchebag. Sadly, I was given a logical mind, a fascinating talent for music, and a self in search of the soul. … I really got the short straw on this one huh! =/

ROFL!!

(Below is a list of 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about me that you may or may not know yet. Of course, the only true reason for this post is because I cannot honestly think of a topic worthwhile to post on this blog. Lets just see where thing goes…)

16. I have this dysfunction with playing with my hair. I mean… I know I have long hair (red), and yes,… it is kinda Heath Ledger looking! It makes me look like a hot, sexeh manly man! Yet the amount that I actually play with my hair is damaging it somewhat. Its one of those habits that seem hard to get rid of. (On a side note, I used to have dreadlocks!)

15. If you didn’t know, I love music. I’m going to college for Music Business. … As a matter of fact (and this is true), Minneapolis is the second biggest city in the nation when it comes to music/music scenes (second to Manhattan, with Nashville following closely)

14. I’m somewhat of a Comedy Central addict. … especially Daily Show/Colbert Report. … I have a secret love for good satire, especially when its about politics.

13. I’m apparently ignoring homework to do this. *does some quick*

12. I’m apart of the Augsburg College choir, and in a week, I’ll be on a trip across the midwest, from Minnesota to Texas/Louisiana, ending in Chicago somewhere. It’ll be fun times! … Some drinking. Plenty of randomness. A LOT of singing. … Time for me to get my ‘bass/baritone’ on!

11.11

10. I actually went to a concert last night. It was at a place called the Dinkytowner, which is a well-known spot for local concerts, especially hip-hop (located in Dinkytown, the entertainment district near the University of Minnesota). A local rapper named Capaciti does a show the first Friday of every month, called ‘Bring the Noize’, which debuts a barrage of local artists each month. He puts on alot of bangin concerts! … I went alone, sitting and watching many of the people there. I got to do some people watching, and even engaged light conversation with a few of them. … I find that going to concerts (and music business in general) to be very engaging.

9. I have an infatuation with the supernatural/metaphysical. … I meditate sometimes, and I always like to engage in deep, stimulating conversation about spirituality and new age topics.

8. On similar subject, I was born into Christianity. I went to church almost every Sunday,… but mostly because my mother was the organist at our church. Though teenage years, I considered myself a ‘christian-goth’, but I felt a strange attraction to ‘other’ streams of thought. I was a rocker, a goth, a DnD fanatic, a juggalo, a hardcore fan, a romantic, a reject/misfit of sorts, a ‘vampirefreak’, and a random, brooding, semi-insane, medicated, yet disturbed young man. … Eventually, I started straying. It wasn’t out of neglect, but out of searching. I felt that there were too many walls in my current ideology; to many ‘moral obligations’, which I felt were smothering me. … Its sad that when one would ask a fellow Christian, they would see it as a ‘sinful stray’, as if everything exploratory outside the binds of religion is ultimately sinful, and like a politician, would deny it with clever words and passive agression. I have no hate, or any unjust pretense against those of my birth religion. I just wish people would stop showing only one dimension,… stop limiting themselves to one dimension,… and just be honest with who they are as individuals.

7. I’m currently single. … I guess you could say that I’m KINDA looking, but not really. My relationships have been short and unsuccessful, so my current assumption is that I’m simply not ‘good’ at the relationship thing. I’m not ‘weak’ or ‘incapable’. Rather, I have a decent amount of girl friends (opposed to girlfriends), so I’m not fully alien to the female perspective,… but… its just the fear of being held down by something like a relationship, when I could achieve a multitude of things unbound. … If I can feel comfortable enough with someone, then maybe.

6. I’m starting to realize now that my entires are longer than I thought they would be. Was aiming for one liners,… but hey! Thats me. … Can never type JUST ONE LINE! Lolz!

5. Back in my uber-Christian days, before I turned metaphysics/new age, I used to idolize King Solomon. I thought his story was amazing to be honest. … The fact that this prince, soon turned King, is given the opportunity by God to be given one gift, whether it be fortune, fame, or respect. Instead of any of those, Solomon contemplates, and decides that instead, he wanted to inherit ‘wisdom’ … In return, God smiles upon him, and gifts him with wisdom, and as a bonus for asking for the ‘wisest’ gift possible, gives him all of the three that he had suggested: fortune, fame, respect. … I actually began to pray, in a similar way, for wisdom.

4. … also, as a person who used to write stories, and has a great concept on how good stories/characters are put together,… I have always had somewhat of a pet peeve. … “Chosen Ones”. … Any character that represented ‘the one’, in an ultimately pretentious, and arrogant assumption that one must be ‘chosen’ by forces greater than themselves in order to change the world, or be the greatest at what they do. In every story that I had ever developed, except say for one, I made the main character a person who did not represent this… ‘chosen one’, but rather represented more of a random, ‘agent of chaos’ type entity with major issues, major dissonance to any notion of ‘chosen ones’, yet an honest acceptance of their mortality. … to emit my belief that ‘random outsiders’ and ‘chosen ones’ can be on the same level as one another. It depends solely on choices, and efforts on the individual, less any “God-given” advantages.

Thusly, when taken in the real world, whether it be secular, or metaphysical, a ‘Chosen Ones’ abilities are not superior to my own struggles, if I do not voluntarilly recognize them as such. Exceptions are: if their abilities are equalized with profound struggle, their abilities are merely temporary, OR if the same rules of karma apply for them as they would for me (thus, all I ask is that I witness BOTH the ‘arrogant/tresspassing’ and the ‘humbled/regretting/disiring forgiveness’ sides of such people.)

3. Its still somewhat chilly outside. I think Old-Man-Winter likes shitting on us,… but thats Minnesota fer ya!

2. I’m watching the Sixth Sense. I haven’t seen this movie in forever,… not since my childhood. I never realized how,… subtly creepy it was until now.

1. …

… what do I do with # 1? Hmm…

O.o!!

I know!! …
Fellow Xangans! I would like you hear your 16!
(or 10, or 5, or 3,… whatever you feel comfortable with)

I am interested!

*listens*

   I love the direction I’m going in life.

   If there is any advice that I would like to give all of the youngins of Xanga (well, to be fair, I’m only 21. I mean youngins as in: those who have not established what they want to do when they grow up),… If you are going to choose an occupation or a career, do something you love to do! Sure! Money is good! Status is even better! … but if you choose to do something that you love to do, you will never work a day in your life!

So many people I have come across have said negative things about basing careers around music. They’ve said plenty of things pertaining to ‘there isn’t much pay’ or ‘its not a real career’. To set forth the record, what defines a ‘real career’ is one that you can build from the ground up, and that is by being an entrepreneur! Entrepreneurship is perhaps the most creative way to engage the business world, because if you are an entreprenuer, you are the one who sticks your flag into the ground and creates his or her career from the ground up.

What I am doing right now with the Northern Litez is nothing short of amazing. This year is the year that we’ve planned to stand out in the local music scene, getting shows at the Red Sea, Soundbar, and soon… believe it or not… First Ave! Even if for the time being my practices have been for little money at all, every sucessful career requires experience, and that experience is the best tool for ensuring future goals.

I don’t mean to brag and gloat. I know there are plenty of people out there who in their teenage years have had dreams of playing in bands and rap groups and whatnot. High school is no measure of a persons worth. As a matter of fact, life in High School is always filled with crushed dreams and rampant emotions. … What the individual must realize in achieving their dream is to keep their vision set on it, and don’t look back. Its true that many people are not made out to be in the business of music. If you do not have the heart to tackle your goal past your High School career, then it is not for you. …

… I just wanted to express my emotions right now, and they really couldn’t be anymore optimistic about music.

…

Now… sucess in college is a different story, one with plenty of stress-freak moments, but I’ll find a way out of this dilemma too. I always do.

So, in my casual Xanga browsing, I come across an certain interesting person (well, I come across many interesting people) whose blog talked about uncovering her older high school blog, and reading through it for fun. Then, in her post, she decided to set out a challenge for all readers to overview their old blogs (or oldest posts), and give an in-depth analysis on how they have changed since back in the days of their old blog.

Well EsperSlayer, I accept your challenge! =D

Indeed, I decided to search this very blog for my oldest posts, dating back almost FIVE YEARS AGO, and read through them with a very light grain of salt. There were plenty of moments of me massaging my eyes, or rolling them, as if reading through such posts were painful. And indeed, they were.

From discerning through my older entries, I did find a certain ‘youthful’ remedy to them… the kind of thing expressed only by a sense of “Oh that Matthew and his crazy thoughts.” … but allow me to question you openly: as a person who is currently an advocate for metaphysics and discovering the self via spirituality, which are considered concepts among the ‘already crazy’ (to an extent)… how do you imagine I used to be in the days of teenage depression and angst? … Does quiet middle-child, dysfunctional, DnD inspired, Juggalo, occult philosophy enthusiast, Christian-goth with raging emotional and ideological problems fit your answer?

… I believe if I remember correctly, I have a post in my blog,… an earlier post, which was the catalyst for some random Xangan claiming to be a Wiccan to frighten the living bejeesus out of me with talk of ‘vampires stalking you’, which resulted in an intense emotional breakdown which I could only correctly categorize it as a ‘psy-attack’. … Sound crazy enough for you?

… At another instance, back in these days, I was good Xanga friends with two OTHER interesting individuals who claimed to be ‘dream-walkers’,… those who had the ability to meet people inside their dreams, and fight off demons and the like. Although nowadays, my knowledge of metaphysics makes this seem less impossible, but back in the day, this idea made me go bananas,… cause I thought it was so cool, and it was exactly the kind of thing I was looking for in learning about random occult things.

All in all, I believe I have matured majorly,… spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. My beliefs are not so naive. … Although they are still far out there, I take many things with a grain of salt, and I try to treat things professionally now. Idealistic, independent, introspective, but not insane.

=)

Ahhh yes. I love who I am.

Amid my college studies.
      Amid my life in music.
            Amid my ‘spiritual self’.
                  I’m suddenly realizing…

… it has been way too long since I’ve engaged in some deep, creative storywriting.

Of course, as I do not have the time for drawing up entire stories all on my own, I feel the need to express my vivid, complex, and somewhat supernatural imagination in the form of role-playing. … It is just too bad that the place where I once role-played has died out (well, one place. the other is a chatroom,… but that requires a lot of energy).

The way I see it, perhaps role-playing has enough of a bad rap from some individuals who do not understand the idea of writing directly from a character perspective. Yet, the practice of role-playing has always been an alternative way to express myself, without actually exposing my personal self. Its a deep trek into realms and visions of the minds creation, and it stimulates the most important piece of our conscious existence: the imagination.

I find, however,… there is always a dual nature that I have experienced,… moreso in my early life.

Disillusion is sometimes a sad side effect of mixing your metaphysical beliefs and your creative mind. Perhaps this is merely something that would typically come from a semi-conscious being, but I’ve had plenty phases of teenage overimagination. … Its like how many youth react to vampire movies and novels: although they never admit it, they believe that what they are watching is a possibility/is real.

In some mind, I don’t really mind how strange or incorrect it may sound when I say that: who knows what realms truly do exist beyond the human eye? The trick is that some of them are truly built of ones imagination, so whereas some would consider that much a disillusion, it is really a place that was forged from the near unlimited powers of the human mind,… a truthful, existing space the universe reserves of all of our individual quests into creation. … Yet, as the physical world we dwell in is a stable plane of existence, would there not be other stable plains of existence? Places that do not change in physics (or very little rather, for to be fair, our mental imagination has effect on our real world as well. I wouldn’t exactly agree with the notion that the world is a creation of our individual selves, but it can be certainly influenced)? … It is there places which may still require imagination, because either it requires a method of interpretation, or the capacity to handle being conscious in such an existence.

And I travel into my mind, debating all of these little notions:… having little focus in the process of dreaming, having little habits remaining unconquered, and having a spirituality which is not being constantly stimulated, but rather ‘simply regarded’ on a day to day basis.

It is when I am this pre-occupied: amid college studies, amid my life in music, what what have you,… I can only truly thrive in spirituality by those very… tiny… pricks made by the needlepoint of divine intervention and clairvision, so I can feel greater purpose: be held in bewonderment.

Sometimes, it could simply be a visit by a fellow Xangan with a powerful message.

Or, an instantaneous glimpse of somethign unknown before.

Or, a dream that keeps me beraptured.

And if my creativity can influence my spiritual self, and not just the other way around:
then I am truly developing as a human being, and a metaphysical being.

So,…

… on my tireless ventures into the realm of the Internet, I managed to explore my curiosity by stumbling upon a mysterious portal to the planet known only as Craigslist. Of course, this simple of an action really doesn’t need a vast ornamentation of clever words and majestic storytelling, but I feel it relinquishes me from having little to do. Anyways, as a single male usually would in such a position, I decided what and who was about in the personals section, more specifically, the Women looking for Men section.

Here I see an assortment of various ages, colors, and interesting personalities. Of course, when I managed to find one that seemed to interest me the most, I spent almost five minutes wondering if I should bother contacting this person,… self-searching,… wondering if I was indeed the type of person who thought online dating was a progressive system of meeting people. Truth is, not really (unless there is some extensive view into their world,… say, through a blog like this one). The way I have always seen dating is: you go about life doing what you always do, or doing what you are best at, and though either the same causal path, or some alternate path you didn’t expect, you come across someone who, with similar state of mind, is willing to be open socially with you before you realize you have much in common (or much to compliment eachother), and you ask them out on a play-date (more casual than a superficial date-date), and take it from there,… and hopefully things are relatively lucid. … To me, online dating is this world of  “I’m desperate and lonely! I need a girlfriend/boyfriend! I’m very needy! I don’t know you!!  Lets have an unnatural relationship! 8D”. Its the same basis behind how ‘blind dates’ are kinda not so great either. … I like casual. The idea of an initial pressure in assuming that the purpose of a meet is to immediately establish grounds for a traditional relationship is a tad over the top.

    ^^^
… Some of you are thinking “Why is he saying that? Has he ever been on a date in his entire life?”

Yes. … yes I have. Perhaps my dates were just not what they were supposed to be.

… Which brings me to why I named my post ‘Alternative Universes, Alternative Choices’. … It is really not that metaphysical (well… sorta. read on!)

    I remember in high school that I had plenty of girls who thought I was cute, and I casually spent time with some of them, but … for some reason…. partway into some of those, something in my mind would sound off like an alarm, and my open personality would eventually turn into a ‘deflecting magnet’, as if to say I wasn’t ready for anything … well … anything! … There was a mix of reasons why this was, and to list them breifly:

I constantly saw friends around me be ‘testosterone junkies’ and try to run around sticking their flag in a girl and saying ‘She’s mine!’ and end up getting into complex drama issues over it between eachother and watching this ENTIRE fascade, seeing friends become enemies, widely discouraged the idea for relationships, believing that any relationship was a steel wrench in the clockwork of creative life achievements. This is along with a delusional ‘Christian phase’ believing that I should save sex for marriage which was really just an excuse to push some away because honestly, I was freightened by the concept of relationship and everything I’ve heard about how much weight it puts on personal life. I feared the idea of being ‘stuck’ in something I regretted, and I always saw people deal with some of the craziest bullshit over it, to the point where I though … ‘Why fucking bother?”

   Yet, things change,… naturally. One would think that the ‘change’ is a ‘growing-out-of’ type of situation. … Now, however, its simply a more twisted state of affairs.

It is by this time, at the age of 21, although it is never impossible to date and be dated, the nature of everything changes. Some don’t evolve from that high-school mentality, and are already in a marriage, and have a child, and are functioning like a ‘welfare family’,… a poor, lower-class heap of what should have not been. Or you have the ‘super-testosterones’ who ‘know what women want’ and ‘sleep with every woman’. … Everyone else? Higher standards are flooding the gates. Its fact that every cute or beautiful girl is hit on and asked out on a daily by random, unimportant guys. Its common economics. When the demand on a product (not to be mistranslated as labeling women as products) is higher, the price goes up! … And where am I in all of this? … Despite a very well-shapen sense of awareness, intelligence, character, and cleverness,… despite how lovable I may be as a friend to anyone,… my relationship experience is very, very poor.

It is at this point where I am suddenly looking back on all of the ‘close-calls’ and wondering, “What if I didn’t put up my guard when a girl was intersted in me? What if I just went for it?” … Some of you would automatically come up with an answer having some resemblance to my ‘welfare family’ comment earlier, but I know now,…I would have never let that kind of bullshit happen even if one of my ‘potential relationships’ DID make long term. … Alternate Universes,… parallel dimensions based on a non-existent timeline that never came to be because I blocked the flow of those events. … but what if, back at the initial time of those splits from the existing timeline did I answer the call with an alternate choice, which made said non-existent timeline… suddenly relevant!

(note: if you are someone who knows the following in the real world,… to save yourself drama, don’t go any further. As a matter of fact, since I know that almost nobody I KNOW in the real world knows about my Xanga, if you DO manage to find it and read this, you can go fuck yourself! I’ll say whatever I damn well please on this thing, cause none of you have any influence on what I believe, or what I’ve experienced. … just thought I’d point that out to you.)

CASE 1: Take Portia Meyer for a perfect example. A fellow red-head, fellow rocker, and very crazy person. I always thought she was super cool to hang out with and I loved her personality. We fit perfectly into eachothers friend circle (cause it pretty much was the same circle). Amazing girl; very attractive too. I know at some point she had a crush on me, and I really liked her too. One day, my friends and I decide to hang out the entire day, and we invite her with. We go bowling, and at that point she seemed a little ditzy and careless with the idea, not very engaging,… but that was her, and I had no judgement against it. We ate, and we decided to randomly venture around Wal-Mart, and play hide-n-go seek, and cause a shitload of mischeif. It ended with me shoplifitng a pair of black leather gloves by taking them from their place and walking out to the gardening area, with is only blocked off by a large fence. I told my buddies to drive around to the fence so I would throw them the gloves, and then walk out of the building empty handed. It was the perfect plan, and I guess it showed off a little bit of ‘bad-boy’. =) … Most of my friends dispersed after that, and I came back home with Portia, and two friends who decided to stay downstairs and play GTA, and I suggested watching a movie. Portia agreed, and we started watching ‘Night at the Museum’. Your typical teenager movie-watching scenario. … I held her through most of it, but when it kiss actually came, I froze. O.o! … It had nothing to do with not liking her. It had everything to do with my trivial fear of relationships. … At that time, she told me that she had a boyfriend, but he wasn’t very nice,… and I still thought the idea of making out with me while still having a boyfriend,… it wasn’t exactly that it was a ‘bad show of character’ or anything,… but damn girl,… break it off before you date someone else! … I figured now that she wanted to be sure that I was willing to be something to her before she broke the tie with the other guy (who was a real tool,… or so I’ve heard from various people)

And yet,… I sit and wonder what things could have been if I had just shut my head up and kissed her. … The first point: it would have been a GREAT night! Doesn’t matter if it was making out for ten seconds, ten minutes, ten hours!! … or if it ever managed to go further,… I would have felt … unspeakable. It gives me a bit of a rush just thinking about it. I mean,… gazing back on the formula that the attraction was established: high school romance? yes, but it wasn’t a trivial game like I saw with everyone else! The incline to that point was as smooth as it could have been: she was a super cool person that I loved hanging out with, really attractive, and a great friend, but just outside of the “just-friends” or “longtime-friends” category, where one has to worry about having friendships ruined in the process. … Its now that I look at this Alternate Universe from my Current Universe, staring deep across the thresh-hold of both existences, and I think… “It would have been perfect!.” … Of course, I only figure there would be some trials, as I distinctly remember at that time that my views were a little constricting,… and I wasn’t sure Portia was much of a ‘local hip-hop’ person like I was (aside from being a rocker and/or metalhead),… but her passion for music was also pretty big, and she could have enjoyed some of it as well. … This is the kind of alternate universe I sit and imagine, and end up wanting to slam my fist into the wall,… cause although my mind was realizing a wrong, and coping with an in-stability within myself, … sometime the wrong makes it that much better. My only excuse is: I was trying to be smart. and I feel it was a bad excuse.

CASE 2: Heres one that is a bit less sentimental, but seemed like a setup to a hot scene to a spy movie or the like. Shanell Reuter! … She was probably one of the most popular girls at my school, and she was the overachieving type (or so it seemed): the kind of person who had natural-born leadership skills. I knew her very lightly over the years, and she was always one of the nicer ones. I wouldn’t say ‘control-freak’, but she did have standards, and thats not necesarilly a bad thing at all. Anywho,… we DID know eachother though Harmonaires, which was our high school’s ‘show choir’. Harmonaires was probably one of the only reasons I don’t regret high school, because it didn’t make me feel like ‘every other fucktard in the damn school’. I was a muther fucking Harmonaire bitch! Respect! XD … One of my best friends, Kenny (I did a post about him when he had a sist in his throat and my friends were freaking out about it, thinking it was cancer or something) was in there with me, and we two were the ‘cool guys’ it seemed. The most unorthodox, and rock-culture based, and everyone knew it! …
        I remember that throughout the year, whenever we were all dressing into our stage clothes for a performance or practice, there were times where wandering eyes would accidentally move toward Shanell, because well,… she had a pornstar body! (<-the way I choose to describe it) … One time, she was in an isolated part of the locker room, and I ended getting just a little peep, mostly on accident (or on autopilot, not sure which), and she caught me,… only she wasn’t offended or put off by it. She gave me a look like “I know you’re looking at me. You’re not too bad yourself.” (and lets face it, I’m pretty attractive. I won’t fucking lie. … There are times when my confidence waivers, which is why none of you have ever seen a picture of me, but trust me. … I’m handsome as shit! XD. … but anyways, we were all invited to a showing of “West Side Story” at a theater in St. Paul, and me, Aaron Seaver, Shanell Reuter, and someone else… all had a table with eachother. Funny thing was, although I was commonly known as an ‘outsider type’ personality at school, the people listed above are like,… “the top of the popular crop”, and they knew me, and thought I was pretty cool (I guess this was mostly because my sister, who had graduated by now, was one of the popular ones in her class, and so the legacy had to live on in Mr. ‘counter-culture Matthew (me)’ apparently!)
     Long story short, some of the people in Harmonaires began speculating that someone had a crush on me, and I thought it was my dance parter to be honest. The conversation switched to ‘sociology’, and I began to shine a bit on the intellectual level, and it so happended Shanell was planning on going to college to be a social worker, so we exchanged educated words with eachother. … Then she dropped the bomb partway into the show, with a big smile. “Matt. Will you go out with me?” … And guess what I did? … Froze. … For one, she had a former boyfriend who I KNEW could kick my ass if he found out, but that wasn’t even that big of a reason. My reason this time? … well… nothing. I just froze. … To think I could have said yes, and we could have went out, would have had some inscentive to improve my charisma and my persona a bit, having someone refreshingly different from what I had imagined, and… well,… if you read above, obviously there was another big plus, and as a guy,… well… need I say more?

    In the situation that I would have said yes,… it wouldn’t have been much of a long-term anything (I wouldn’t think), but damn! Her buxom-ness wuz l33t! … Thats another fist-breaker right there! And I know I am not someone who intends for anything to be shallow,… I don’t intend to be shallow in any relationship that is,… but to think if I did go through with it, my self-confidence and my person view on social status would be up there. I mean, I’ve never had a big love of ‘jocks’ or ‘preps’, but its NEVER (no matter who you talk to),… NEVER a bad thing to have the ability to compare yourself with the more up-standing few,… not that you need to.

…

   There are several more, smaller situations that I do regret the path that I have taken, but its too much time to list them, and I’ve written so much already. I don’t really think anyone will read this, but I feel I need to get this straightened,… and out of my system,… and only out of pure will of fate would anybody from the real world come across this blog,… so if you did read this,… then by law of the universe,…. you probably were supposed to.

Its from then on, after I graduated from high-school and went of to college that I saw a completely different atmosphere. Suddenly, relationships were everywhere. Love was pretty much everywhere. I’m gazing at the contrast, and I’m realizing that from the difference, that my attitude has changed slightly. … Of course, the EXACT atmosphere of being at a private college is a bit different. Now my fear is a conflict of my earlier fear. … I have no experience!! O.o!!!!!!!!!!

…

So what is a person to do? … I mean, I’ve been steering myself straight into whatever goal I plan for myself, and I like the progression the way it is,… but,… at times,… I get empty. I get lonely. … and I wonder,… could I ever have anything like I could have had in high school? … Is that possible anymore? Cause everyone seems so,… superficial now!

I mean, I can’t be THAT bad. If Shanell Reuter had a crush on me,… if Porsche had a crush on me,… then I’m not bad at all! …
… but there is not much experience present,… and that much fact is hard to deal. … The world views love and relationship like a capitolist/compeititve endeavor,… and everytime I resist that system, I end up empty handed.

Perhaps its a good thing at this point?

My fear,… is that the longer I wait, the harder it will be when I decide I can’t be without. … Perhaps even now is that time.

All I ask from you, the reader, in reading this ENTIRE essay,… that you take sympathy (or empathy if you can muster) to the idea I am trying to get across. I begun as a boy who was reflective and confused, and now I’m a man going about without a track record, other than to suspect that I’ve got attractive qualities that I don’t know how to use. *shrug* Oh well.

*goes off to eat something lunch-related*

 Its a new semester, and I’ve already settled into it nicely.

   I have some new and interesting classes: Microeconomics, Entrepreneurship, Public Speaking, etc. … I’m taking a good chunk of business classes this semester, and for once, I’m actuall very interested. Usually when we think ‘business’, we think its a complex and utterly boring set of affairs that create businesses, … but to me (at least the direction I want to take it), it is actually very interesting, and very exciting: the prospect of creating something that can sustain itself and that I can represent/can represent me. Of course, I enjoy the idea of creating my own business over simply being an asset to someone else. Especially when it comes to music business, there is no better way to do things! =)

My thinking is that, even if the economy utterly collapses; even if we are all forced to live the rest of our lives farming our own crops (if it indeed gets that bad), there will always… always be a demand for music, and you do not need a market or an economy to measure that. So, even if engaging in business is an unfortunate thing in our current economic state, I, at heart, am a man of music,… and art in general,… and there will always be value behind these talents.

…

   I have also begun to creep back into the art of meditating and dream journaling, after being gone from it for so long. I remember but and hour ago, after writting my last dream in the journal, I went into the main room of my two bedroom, four person dorm,… whereas everyone else was either asleep or at class,… and I simply sat and stared out the window at the world. I recalled the many dreams I’ve had before of which I remember entire locales, and perhaps regions. Some were utterly bizarre landscapes. Some were strangely connected townships which I’ve never seen before. Some were mysterious wood-like areas, with torches, log houses, tree abodes, and what seemed like a very magickal, or paganistic aura of mystery. … I sat and recalled these places, and I wondered if any of them existed out in the real world. Perhaps I was merely visiting actual places. Perhaps these actual places were not even of this planet. … but though some of the most vivid, and some of the most exploratory dreams I’ve had,… I wondered.

I simply sat and wondered. ….

Something strange this way come…

.

…

Mark it on your calendars! January 26th.

(and before you declare that I would be utterly incorrect based on ‘prophetic mumbo jumbo’,… its only 6 days away. We’ll wait till then.)

You all remember this symbol, right?
The symbol which I ‘Photoshopped’ together one day, and decided that it would make an awesome logo?

Well, I’m confronted with a dilemma.

You see, if you look closely at the symbol, what do you see?
Do you see an expression against the movement of global elitism and NWO?
Or do you see a slanderous statement against the concept of ‘enlightenment’?

…

If I were to keep this as a personal logo, would I not be drawing negative reactions from people who would interpret it as the latter?
The ‘All-Seeing Eye’ has been used time and again as a political symbol of Masonic intent, usually referencing the Illuminati or the Freemasons, or whatever organization places themselves as the elitist ‘capstone’ of any society or government. … but its common, and original meaning among laymen and citizens alike is to express the idea of an open ‘third eye’. An epicenter of sensing that of which we cannot see with our first two eyes. Thusly, is it truly appropriate to gouge out the ‘third-eye’ simply because some collective of high-class, and possibly spiritually/psychicly suppressing jaggoffs decided that the pyramid capstone with an omniscient retina was a perfect way to describe the ‘universally superior’?

Ever wonder why people use symbols, and turn them around to mean the opposite? … The anti-cross. The pentagram. The swastika.

What is this movement of twisted morality that enables people to disenfranchise a movement with a counter-movement of dark proportions? Some see these ‘farce symbols’ as meaningless and ridiculous. Some enforce their ‘definition’ blindly to fit their angsty, anti-social needs.

If a symbol respresents an idea, then why do people steal the symbols but void the interpretation, by either twisting, or not twisting the symbol?

…

Perhaps my point was against the elitist factions of the world, but what does the world see but a jagged mirror’s image of what it should have been?

…