So, as a blogger, I’m starting to realize that I am too varied of a person, too multi-dimensional to stimulate a solid and consistent flow of viewers.

There are not enough receptive viewers and perceptive minds on Xanga for my market of reader.

… Of course, this is not really a failure, since it was never really a goal.

Quite originally, this blog was meant to house my thoughts and my expressions of writing.

But I am a complete shapeshifter; I have no definite form.

And that shows in my writing.

    One week, I’ll be talking about my personal live experiences and where I am with my relationship with people.

          Another day, I’ll be expressing some poem of teenage angst, whilst being past the age of such angst.

                Yet another day, I’ll speak about ambiguous spiritual topics, such as spiritual guides and affirmations,… all fluffy and light-like.

                    Then, I talk about metaphysics, and try to tie in logical, scientific analysis into unexplained phenomena. Left-mind FTW!

   Extra-terrestrials and my functions/dysfunctions with starseed/Indigo philosophy

           Secret societies from a purely conspiracy theorist standpoint

                    The most awesome Android tablet on the market, and other crap about where I work.

                            … and I apparently just caught myself from posting an excerpt from an essay about Illusion Magic I thought was interesting to read.

…

What the fuck is with my blog, man?

Walking across this on my way to ‘Magus Books and Herbs’ a few afternoons ago.

Made me ponder on its meaning…

(grounded. Pressure/massaging sensations on forehead/temples)

        B: “Do you feel the United States has grasp of the Holy Grail/Fountain of Youth?”

    Me: (puzzled at such an odd question)

…

(odd logo/symbol I could barely make out)
…

   Me: So, B,… What kind of guide are you?

        B: I am a lower Angel (E.T.)

   Me: !! Is that so? So what is your main ambition then?

        B: To raise up to a higher being.

   Me: How do you plan on doing that?

        B: By communication and connection with you.

(gain impression of learning experiences and the concept of learning through teaching.)

end transmission

…

@boilingicicle @Ampbreia @mountainride @Kodomo_no_Tsuki

… what has been going on with me lately.

I’ve been in such turbulence lately.
A vile cesspool of self-doubt and misunderstanding.
… and it is not in my intention to ignore others or neglect the spirit of other people.

Recent Full Moon has made me… very irritated.

Fearing lack of personal progress,
and that fear has driven me inward, hiding underneath a damned shell.
All I had was inner-torment, envy, and half-cocked personhood.

Even long before this lunar climax.

…

I hit a critical mass recently.

My biggest goal was to understand my spiritual guidance.
And tear through the filth in my head; the sludge in my veins.

I hit the wall, and realized everything was nothing.
Nothing I stood for was real, and everything was illusionary.

Even that of which I was fighting for. The ally. The enemy. Even the basics: my identity, and inner guidance.

I HAD to hit this wall, damnit!

I was stuck in a contemptuous cycle, and I needed out!!

… and since coming back up, with the help of a few dear friends I didn’t even realized I had, I managed to realize how arrogant and misunderstanding I have been

It was like a mental reprogramming long overdue.

So far, I’ve opened a very small channel to speak to my lowest guide, B.

At least it’s something.

What is going on with me lately:

http://indigosociety.com/showthread.php?54602-I-am-going-about-my-Spirit-Guides-all-wrong&p=935088&posted=1

… but only if you have the time.

Glitches.

Non-stop overthought.

I’ve been mentally sick for a long time now.

… I’m still mentally sick.

And this is not based on the definition of others.

This is based on my own analysis.

Why are we all doing this?

Why is everyone so afraid of non-purpose, and anti-illusion?

Why is everyone so addicted to thought and belief?

… like there is some sort of war out there…

… when it is really all happening in here? *points to the mind*

At least for me… it is.

I have no basis for anything.

I’m simply a floating mass off thoughts and memories, clinging to a larger body of energy.

And I cannot tell if it is symbiotically, or parasitically.

Overthought versus overthought

Someone once told me I was a ‘shapeshifter’ in spirit.

I guess that means I have no definite form.

In a state of low emotion the night before.

When you spend nights flooding the air with messages,

angels and spirits float in disarray; a static-y mess,

and the pain of isolation draws further into my veins.

But last night, the heart silently gave up,

and so I flooded the air with silence. Silent emotion.

They touched my forehead in affection,

and drew their hand down my cheek.

I noted, without messaging, and drifted to sleep.

It was a wonderful dream

Reminded me of the movie Chronicle.

Telekinesis was my weapon of choice.

And I was able to freely control object in my surrounding.

It felt so real. It felt so magical.

… and I felt no ill-will to use it wrongly.

Only to experience the world more intimately.

Only to entertain, and practice my abilities.

I felt powerful. Confident. … Not vain or egoic.

I didn’t want to leave this reality.

It was like a gift from the stars. A sign of my progress.

And it erased the emptiness. It gave me hope.

Strange how it was only a dream, and yet I woke up without want.

… What does that mean?

I had a horrible nightmare last night.

I don’t remember a lot of details, but I remember exploring the wilderness at night with my brother, and we were set upon by a savage bear. We did manage to get away, but even so, the entire rest of the dream with just drowning in fear. It got so intense that we were attacked once again, but this time by a large insect-like creature which looked quite horrifying. The rest is history, and honestly not rememberable,… but I remembered when I woke up, all of that negative evergy remained, and a majority of work today was very low in regards to performance. I was just mentally and energetically drained, and I was lacking a way to come back from that. At times, I was so low into negativity, I was a tick away from blowing up in somebodys face, which if happened, would spell out a loss of a job. … It took me the whole day to get my energy back and to pull myself out of negativity, and into positivity.

And just in time for a St Paddy’s day bouncing from club to club with friends, having perhaps the most fun I’ve had in a while.

A day of extremes

… and a testament, I guess, that I can come back from any psychological beating,… with effort.

…

Just a brief expression of craziness before I slip unto slumber again and see how well tomorrow goes.

IT is always a negative event to endure the crashing of a computer.

Especially when you use that computer for money-making ventures, as well as entertainment, blogging, writing, and music production.

Not only ways I so unfortunate to endure the breaking of a different, but equally expensive piece of equipment that a friend had loaned to me for use, and knowing I had to pay him back, the main computer I was using for most of my projects was officially broken. It seemed to come about yesterday, when my computer randomly locked up, and each time I tried to restart it, or even tried to restore it, it would freeze mid loading.

As a nerd, I don’t remember any broken computer experience to be a positive one,… or any that I considered easy to cope with.

… The main reason I was bringing this up was that I had a very dark experience last night that almost haunted me into submission. Dealing with the stress of the things that had broken, especially my computer, and the money I would have to pay in the long run, I attempted to simply sleep the issue off, but I was bombarded mentally. The negativity MUST have given way to some sort of attack, because I was pummeled with negative images of vile fangs, and deathly maws biting down upon my mind, and I felt very disturbed. It felt like a toxin of wicked energy slipping through my bloodstream and into my consciousness. … At the time, I was convinced that the entire calamity of negative ‘luck’ was a reptilian design, and I was facing a ravenous spirit hoping to feast upon that pooled negativity. … Yet, as I lie there in bed, I decided to lay upright, and insist to myself “No! I will not lose myself to this negative onslaught. I will remain positive, and hopeful that something good will come out of all of this.” … and like magic, the images of fangs went away. It was countered with a very high feeling of light, as I beckoned guidance to clear the air for me.

Such lesson held fast through the turbulence of today.

Knowing that so many of the things that I had to deal with today were of negative influence, I decided, through sheer will, to counter it all with a sense of lightheartedness and positivity, refusing to allow any of the such events to haunt me or even prompt to me as something I should be wary about. I keep cool, calm, collected; without any mind to the negative, as rather today was an occasion to allow myself to be set free, and enjoy the present I had. Every negative event I was met with was countered with something positive.

Victory, I guess.

It has always been, in my theory, that any creative practice of the imagination is beneficial to psychic ability.

To unleash the minds powers in the form of art is not only to open it up to your own energy, but to better strengthen arts of visualization, manifestation, affirmation and others.

I’m unsure as to who else believes this to be true or not, but I am one to consider it to be absolutely truthful.

…

Writing stories creates worlds of intrigue, and opens the mind to other such worlds.

Writing poems allows the channeling of emotional energies to flow and be wielded.

Painting and drawing practice the implementation of mental form to manifestation; projecting ideas into reality.

Music plays upon the strings of vibration and also channels emotion and willpower.

Dancing, and physical arts, strengthen the body as they strengthen the minds ability to focus.

And so on…

Of course, these attributions are interchangeable, but the point being is that active expression of art, I feel, is akin to the development of the mind-consciousness on the physical side.

So the past 7 days has been a week of extremes.

     Working where I do, in a sales environment selling computers (take a random guess at what company. XD), I am often empowered to be outgoing and to have a lot of fun, and really push my ability of … well… non-commission based selling (we call it ‘providing customer solutions’). Anyways, the past month of February has been in the shitter, because this happens to be the calm within the storm, after Holidays, and before tax season. Things have been hella slow, but manager pressure to keep numbers high hasn’t changed (does it ever?). Before Sunday, I had gotten utterly sick of everyone in the store. XD … Of course, Sunday was the company hosted (and belated) Holiday Party, which was held at a bowling alley + arcade gallery. … Its funny how you work with people, and never think about the idea of going bowling with them, getting drunk, and killing zombies on a rail-shooter. … So THAT was a turnaround, and was basically my stress release; my reset button. A few days later, I’m pumping out computers like selling cake to fat kids, enjoying customer interactions, and helping people find the best solution for them. …

     Perhaps the more annoying piece is that before this past week, my tinnitus (constant ringing in my ear) was not bothering me much, but strain to my neck has caused head pressure, and started bringing it out again. I decided I might want to pick up some medication for that, … which the sad part is that it kicks in after about a week or so, so I’ve been suffering a bit. The thing is, even if it is something I understand I will have to live with for the rest of my life, the paranoia I have of losing all of my hearing is very high with me. …  (I fucking live and breathe for music. I went to college, and am paying assloads of student loans for a degree in Music. If you are like me, then you understand why.) … It got to the point where I ended up gaining so much stress over it, I had a bit of a mental breakdown. Oddly enough, it came when I was watching the Simpsons movie at my mother house while she was away, and in the middle of laughing, I suddenly lost it, and started crying. … Regardless, after the fact, I guess I’m not awfully worried, however. Its a condition a lot of people have, and I’ve taken the medication for it before, and it does work. It just takes a while.

    My mother herself is having quite a rollercoaster ride. She just came back from South Carolina on a deaconess trip (my mother is a spiritual director and deaconess for the ELCA. Guess the ‘spiritual side’ runs in the family.) She enjoys traveling almost more than anything else, and her job allows her to travel to locations all over the states (plus, she has been to Africa four times). … The downfall is that one of her friends from the church she plays organ at has cancer,… aggressive cancer. After battling with it for months, it has finally hit the point of no return and progressed to her bones. Its sad, because I know her family, and they are not taking it well. My mother has been distraught about the whole thing,… but of course, I decided to console her by appealing to her religious side, reminding her that death is a journey everyone has to go through, regardless of how it comes.  … Setting aside all of that, I’ve noticed my mother and I have been connecting more openly in a metaphysical-knowledge way. Being that she is almost constantly surrounded by Christianity, and I am the spiritually-alternative (crazy) son who believes in spirit guides, starseeds, and extra-terrestrials, I traditionally kept most of my beliefs from her and had her assume I believed Christ was the ‘son of God’, but given that she’s always been extremely open-minded, some of that barrier is wearing away. For example, we recently watched a documentary on quantum physics, and after it ended, we openly started discussing the examples and possibilities it entertained, like we had no emotional compromise on the subject.

So… yeah. Interesting week indeed.

A peek into the madness of my mind and my daily like.

If you met me in person, you could have never thought I was any of these things; just a normal, sensible, enigmatic person who is friendly and very likeable. … I enjoy leading a double life! XD